However I had to stop lying to myself and say it: it's back. Yes, that ginormous monstrosity of dark feelings & self doubt aka depression has revisited and despite all of my hard efforts it got in. 

I know self diagnosing is not practical and it's better to go to a specialist if it is that severe but I guess it would make me feel weak...(?) in some sense. I know I'm tough enough to battle it trough again. I just know I can do it. 

The good thing is, it is not clinical-severe. The bad thing: it is severe enough to spend the dawn crying in my bathroom because I feel like I'm just a big negative bunch,doing no favor to anyone who is in connection with me. 

Also it is in a bipolar form. Like I can get angry at the stupidest thing in 0-1 second. Then I piss myself up, realize it is just not worth the energy/stupid to fuss over and there I am back at my happy self. 

Now I am good. My heart feels at peace but I can also sense the fall coming. (I can only hope I fall asleep faster so I don't have to deal with the bad part).

I don't know about you, but I really do believe in the "what goes around comes around" method. I have been a huge bitch the last week so it is well deserved. Thanks God, I learned my lesson! Again. 

Also (and this might be TMI) but I just started taking THE pill. And God/universe was like HAHA joke's at you so I stumbled up on a post on facebook saying "women who take the pill are more likely to develop depression".  

Yepp. 

Yepp. I'm deffo getting shit for what I have said the last week. 

You might ask: How can I help myself in this situation? 

Well for me reading a lot (A LOT) of optimistic/positive quotes on pinterest can do great. But these two have stuck with me lately:

This is more in the form of "radiate love". Talking with people I love charges me up so well, I physically can feel the blood flows in my vains differently. I gain strength word by word. And what happens then is I start to repay their love/kindness with love. I am just a really love-hungry person, I appreciate every. single. human being who is capable to stand me over 10 minutes. So it's relatively easy to get me in a good mood. But(!)...I'll just leave it here for now.

And this is the second. In the past month I definitely did overthink  A LOT. I just couldn't stop myself. Bad self esteem is still a part of me, I have been putting a lot of energy to get this into place as well but it ain't easy to disappear 20 years' carefully built up "work". For now I'll just keep this as my mantra, and just let things flow. 

Another option is: FRIENDS! As I mentioned before good people can do great for you. They can drag you out of your dark place. So as much as you don't want, go out! Meet with your friends! Especially they are near to you. And here I'd like to continue what I left unfinished a couple paragraphs before. I am blessed to have great friends, I can't thank God enough for them. However majority of these lovely people do not live in the same city as me. Not even in the neighboring ones. So if I want to meet them I have to calculate a 1 hour train ride in the meeting also keep in mind that my last train leaves at 10.50pm which is if we go drinking pretty early to go home. Despite all of this I still manage to see them at least once a week. So make the effort and enjoy the fun times!

I wish strength to all of you, who are fighting through this dark time. But I know we can make it trough. :) 

Ohh yeah. Not to forget being in a relationship can also put something on both sides of the scale...